My white friend is lying about being pushed by a cop at a protest.


Collage of a bewildered white woman shrugging next to a white speech bubble voiced to the left.

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Dear Prudence,

My greatest friend of 4 years, “Lily,” is white, as am I. Many of our mates are folks of colour, and we’re all plugged into problems with racial and social justice. Recently, Lily lied about attending a protest that received violent, after I know for a indisputable fact that she wasn’t there. She’s even been telling her mates she received pushed by a police officer. I do know Lily has been not sure how one can help our mates throughout this time of disaster. I’m horrified that she selected to precise “support” by outright lying. She donates a lot of her money and time to worthy causes, however I don’t really feel proper about letting this slide. Should I confront her immediately? Tell one in all our mates and allow them to confront her? Say nothing and hope she will get found?

—Badly Timed Boast

I can’t think about the way it may assist to ask one in all your folks to speak to Lily in your behalf. You ought to discuss to her about it. You say Lily’s been your greatest friend for years, which suggests you’re well-positioned to talk to her each lovingly and in problem. Tell her what you instructed me, ask her what’s happening, and provides her time and area to reply. She could also be embarrassed or defensive, particularly at first, and it’ll assist to not crowd her. It may additionally assist to say you’re not out to get her however attempting to find out what drove her to lie about this within the first place, and also you wish to assist her work out a extra productive outlet for her energies. This is not a referendum on whether or not her coronary heart is in the fitting place or whether or not she’s an otherwise-truthful particular person. It’s a particular, discrete lie about a single occasion, and also you need her to cease lying about it and begin attempting to make it proper right this moment.

Help! We’ve Got Way Too Many Cooks in Our Kitchen During Quarantine—Literally.

Danny M. Lavery is joined by Peter Labuza on this week’s episode of the Dear Prudence podcast.

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Dear Prudence,

My girlfriend and I’ve been relationship fortunately for 3 years and plan to maneuver in collectively quickly, however a latest look at her medication cupboard has me apprehensive. I’m not one for digging by way of vital others’ issues, however she had moved my toothbrush into the cupboard, so I opened it and located at least eight totally different prescription drugs—virtually all anti-anxiety meds with a few research aids as effectively. She has prescriptions for under a few of them, and the remaining are both expired or tablets that she’s gotten from mates. When I requested her why she had so many capsule bottles—they took up half the cupboard—she received aggravated, mentioned she’d throw out drugs she didn’t want the following time she moved, and ended the dialog.

I do know she struggles with anxiousness, however I can’t assist however discover her response upsetting. When I’ve talked to her about her use of tablets earlier than, she evades the query, will get defensive, or argues that she is aware of how one can take tablets correctly it doesn’t matter what her precise prescription says. I’ve had a number of mates battle with drug dependancy, and I’m apprehensive as a result of her response jogs my memory of how others have tried to distract from or clarify away their issues. Hanging onto expired drugs and tablets from mates simply looks like a unhealthy signal, particularly with Valium, lorazepam, and Xanax. On the opposite hand, maybe I’m being prudish or overly judgmental. She has been proof against seeing a therapist, so I don’t wish to take away her solely avenue of coping with the anxiousness. But I’m additionally apprehensive about her psychological well being and about what residing collectively will probably be like. Am I overworrying this, or ought to I try a extra critical intervention-style dialog?

—Opening Pandora’s Medicine Cabinet

I’m joyful to absolve you of snooping: You have been searching for your toothbrush, not breaking into her diary. Intervention-style conversations aren’t significantly useful nor conducive to honesty, openness, and belief, so I don’t advocate that as your subsequent transfer, however it’s actually price revisiting this matter once more earlier than you two transfer in collectively. You don’t have to find out whether or not she’s an addict in an effort to have a dialog about prescription drugs (expired and in any other case) with somebody you’re significantly relationship and planning on residing with. Nor does having a dialog about remedy imply you’re demanding she begin justifying each capsule she takes. But it is honest to say, “I’m concerned about the pills you take that you don’t have a prescription for, and I want to know that you’re talking honestly about your usage with a doctor or a psychiatrist, so that you can get useful advice from a medical professional. I don’t want to control or monitor your medication, but I do want to be able to talk about it sometimes, especially if it affects me.”

You say that you just’ve talked to her about her use of tablets up to now, and I don’t know if that’s as a result of it’s modified her habits, or led her to take pointless dangers, or if she’s combining them with alcohol or different medication, or what, so I can’t reply whether or not you’re being prudish or overworrying. The most essential query is whether or not you two can agree upon a shared thought of what constitutes acceptable threat. I’d additionally encourage you not to think about this when it comes to taking away her solely avenue of coping with anxiousness. There are some ways to cope with anxiousness, and also you don’t management any of them. You can’t resolve her relationship to remedy for her, and it will solely be an train in frustration and wasted power so that you can attempt. But you possibly can, and may, affirm your proper to have a dialog.

Dear Prudence,

I’ve simply moved into an house with a girl who is beginning the hCG food regimen. It sounded actually unhealthy to me, even harmful: You can solely eat 500 energy a day for weeks and the “hCG drops” you’re presupposed to take are unregulated by the FDA. She’s performed the food regimen as soon as earlier than, so she is aware of it will get “results.” I’ve solely lived right here for a month, so we’re not shut. I don’t wish to insult or offend her, however this food regimen is harmful and can lead to her gaining the burden again plus extra when she finishes it. Is there any approach for me to broach the topic along with her?

—Worried About Roommate

It is harmful—extraordinarily so. Trying to reside on a semistarvation food regimen of 500 energy a day—to say nothing of the unregulated dietary supplements—places her at threat of malnutrition, muscle loss, and cardiac points. I believe it is price citing as soon as to precise your issues and encourage her to hunt medical recommendation. You can acknowledge that you just two aren’t shut and stress that you just’re not going to convey this up along with her once more or inform her what or how one can eat, however let her know that you just’re apprehensive about the hazards of this food regimen and encourage her to talk along with her physician about it. I’d pass over the query of whether or not she’ll achieve again any weight she loses—the salient and pressing problem is that of her general well being, and if she’s battling disordered consuming, citing potential future weight achieve could also be counterproductive. She could also be dismissive or defensive, and at that time, the perfect factor you are able to do is say, “I’m sorry to have offended you, and I’ll let you make your own decisions.” It wouldn’t do both of you a lot good to attempt to monitor her diets, nonetheless unsafe they might be, or to touch upon the dimensions or frequency of her meals. That would solely make her really feel surveilled and managed.

Catch up on this week’s Prudie.

More Advice From Care and Feeding

My husband and I just lately began fostering, so we’re model new to the parenting recreation, with a preteen and a teenager. Easy-peasy, proper?! So far, there’s just one actual level of competition—meals. Our preteen refuses to eat most meals, significantly if it is involved with a vegetable. There are a couple of complicating components. First, he comes from an immigrant household and is used to consuming the ethnic meals his mother normally makes. Second, he does appear to have a fairly delicate abdomen, resulting in stomachaches and vomiting if we aren’t cautious.

My husband and I are a little conflicted on how one can deal with it. I are typically extra lenient, figuring that there’s already sufficient change/trauma in his life, so we don’t have to make mealtimes depressing. My husband thinks that we should always maintain a agency line and make the child get used to some new meals (and the occasional inexperienced factor). I’m beginning to be taught some new recipes, due to being keen to show me, however I additionally worth wholesome consuming and wish to encourage good consuming habits. So how exhausting ought to we be pushing our meals agenda on a child that is, seemingly, solely quickly ours?



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